The Funeral

Planning the funeral of your spouse, or any loved one, is not something you can ever truly be prepared for.

When my step-father in law asked me where we should have the funeral, is when it hit me I was going to have allot of decisions to make.  I told him I wanted Hoy-Kilnoski Funeral Home , as I had heard very positive things about them and knew it could accommodate a large amount of people.  I was so thankful when he said he would call and take care of setting up the meeting, because I was in no shape to do that.  I'm specifically mentioning the funeral home by name because they took amazing care of us, provided outstanding service and went above and beyond anything I could have imagined.

My mother & step-father in laws attended the first meeting and would help me with the planning.  My father in law was not able, emotionally, to attend the planning but I would still run the plans by him and ask for his input.  We met with Mike Hoy, who gently walked us through each step.  I was expecting to have to explain things in detail or make these big decisions up front, however it was the exact opposite.  He asked simple questions, that didn't require a whole lot of thinking.  He put together the entire obituary, which was a major relief as I was not capable of putting the words together to make the sentences. Now I know this is his job and he should know what he is doing.   However when you are actually in the situation of planning the funeral of a loved one, in the numbness stage still trying to wrap your head around what has happened, it was a warm welcome to have someone hold your hand and walk you through the process.

When he asked about burial or cremation, that was one choice I already knew the answer too.  Wylie and I had several talks throughout our years together about what our final wishes were.  He was very clear that he wanted to be cremated.  That initially caught me off guard as majority of the funerals I had attended were burials.  He explained that he wanted cremation as he did not want the open casket to be the last image people remembered of him.  This made sense to me after hearing it and something I had never thought of before.  I have always been uncomfortable at funerals with the viewing, so having pictures of him in happier times with his smile and one-of-a-kind blue eyes would be much easier to look at.  Choosing an urn turned out to not be too diff cult.  They had a wall with urns that you could chose from, which was nice to be able to see them in person.  I choose a black marble rectangle urn which I felt suited him.  Nothing too fancy, yet not too plain either.

Hoy-Kilnoski also takes care of everything related to the headstone.  Mike was able to project his computer screen onto the wall so we could see everything as he was designing it.  This is when the option of having a joint stone or single stone was presented to me.  I was not able to make that decision during the first meeting.  I believe it would take several days of long thought.  I had to think about if I did a joint stone, I would be laid next to rest to Wylie for the rest of time and we could have the stone more personalized.  On the other hand, I was only 33 years old and there would be a fairly decent chance that I would find another man down the road.  What if I ended up spending the rest of my life with this new man?  This was a decision that I made on my own without asking for other opinions and I decided on a joint stone.  I felt and will always feel that Wylie was my true soul mate and we have 2 wonderful boys together.  I wanted Wylie and I to be laid to rest together where the boys and family could visit us side by side.  After all we were married till death parted us, we never fell out of love with each other and I will ALWAYS love him.

I was a little nervous telling my in-laws what I had decided, as I wasn't sure of what their reactions would be.  Of course I should have known that they would have accepted it without hesitation and supported me.  I did ask for their input on the design of the headstone.  We had our last name on the front of the headstone in a western font that matched a family picture frame I have up on our living room wall.  The back side had our last name, each of our names DOB & DOD (they have people who will come out to engrave my DOD), a ring with our wedding date, the boys names listed on the bottom and an image on each side by our names.  I choose lilies as those are my favorite flowers and we decided on a Buck for Wylie.  The stone itself is a tall upright stone that is black with the writing in White and built in flower vases on each side.  I'd post a picture but as this is a public blog for all to see, I don't want to have all our personal information in one spot. There are so many options for designing a stone.  This is not something that Wylie and I had ever talked about, but I'm very happy with how it turned out and feel Wylie would approve.  **Designing the headstone, was done several weeks after the funeral**

We were given the option of having speakers at the service and they were a fairly easy choice.  The main speaker my step father in law had a suggestion for, which all signs pointed to that he should be our main speaker.  His son was in Wylie's class, so he personally knew Wylie, AND he also lived in my grandfather's old house.  To me this was no brainer it was meant to be.  I also immediately had 2 of Wylie's close friends in mind that I wanted to say some things at the service.  His parents agreed they would be prefect as well.  I asked both of them if they would be willing to and was relieved when they both agreed.  I wasn't aware of what any of them were going to talk about or do, but had complete faith in them.

The Songs to be played was one of the more difficult decisions.  Wylie loved music so much and I wanted to make sure I choose songs he would have approved of.  They recommended having 3 songs that would be played throughout the service.  I knew our song had to be one of them, which is "Love Song," by 311.  One of his favorite bands was Alice in Chains and after talking with a couple friends who were AIC fans as well, I decided on "Nutshell."   This I believe was the first song Wylie learned to play on the guitar and I would always hear him strumming the chorus.  The third song I decided on was "Love Your Love The Most," by Eric Church.  This song I would always sing to Wylie as it's like was specifically written about him.  The Red Man, Nascar Race, Loving his Truck.  Just substitute Cat for Dog and Windsor for Jack D and it's Wylie to a T.   We also would go to see Eric Church in concert whenever he came to town.

I thought gathering pictures for the slide show would be a daunting task, however I severely underestimated what my friends could accomplish with the use of technology.  This is when Facebook is useful, spreading the word that any and all pictures of Wylie were needed.  While they rounded these up, one of my friends went through all my digital photos and got them together for me.  They then got all of the pictures to the funeral home, by means I'm still not sure of, as I'm still in awe of how they accomplished this in such a small time frame.  When we came into to look at the pics to decide which we wanted in the slide show, I was shocked to find out there were over 500!!   Not only that, but Brent from Hoy-Kilnoski, went through EACH AND EVERY PHOTO with us!   He was patient, never rushed us and provided us with sound feedback when we needed it.  He would also help us with several other things that came up and I was beyond impressed with his service.

The events after the funeral were a little more work.  I wasn't sure at the time what cemetery I wanted, so we decided there would be a burial at a later date.  (2 years later to be exact, which will be discussed in a future post).  I knew that instead of traditional lunch after the service, I wanted to do a Celebration of Life, as this is what Wylie would have wanted.  Everyone hanging out, drinking and telling their favorite stories of him.  I tasked my sister and a couple friends with making these arrangements.  The first bar I had in mind wasn't going to work out, so I had them talk to the owners of the bar in our hometown.    The owners were more than willing to let us celebrate there.  We had gotten to know them very well over the years, after I hosted a surprise 30th birthday for Wylie there.  It's one of the reasons I love small towns.  Everyone knows everyone and they showed so much support and love for the boys and I. 

Before I get to the visitation and service, there was another issue I wanted to touch on.  As Wylie was only 33 years old, an autopsy was ordered to determine the exact cause of death.  After the organ donation surgery was completed, the autopsy was performed at a different location.  (I'm still not able to write about the organ donation process yet, but I know I will get there).  We couldn't have the services until the autopsy was completed.  This took a couple of days and would be at least a week before I would receive the results.  The funeral home was going to pick up his body and handle the cremation.  They were very on top of it, calling to check in on the status of the autopsy as it seemed to be taking longer than normal and keeping me updated on everything and when they had his body.

On the day of the visitation, I brought in several items that the boys and I had chosen to display.  A framed family photo of us, his acoustic guitar, golf clubs/shoes, his hard hat from work and of course a bottle of Windsor Whiskey.  His parents also brought in items and pics they wanted to display as well.  The staff helped us arrange them in the forest of flowers and plants that were already there.  It completely blew my mind how many plants and flowers there were and the people who had sent them which meant allot.  I wasn't really quite sure what I was "supposed" to do during a visitation.  The boys were busy running around and playing in the kids room, which had a TV, toys, etc.to keep younger kids entertained.  I was upfront looking at the cards on the flowers, when the first visitor arrived.  I talked with them for a little bit and then went back to looking at the cards until a few minutes later when the next visitor arrived.  From there it was a pretty big snowball effect, which lead to a long line from what I remember.  As I always try to be polite in formal situations, I was worried about what to say and do.  Not sure if I should hug everyone, shake hands, no physical contact??  I quickly learned to let them decide what they were comfortable with as I'm sure they were just as uncomfortable as I was.  It was a roller coaster of emotions: crying when I saw certain people, trying to crack jokes with those who I knew wouldn't judge me or could make an even better joke.  It seemed a bit over whelming at the time, but I did like the visitation as I was able to talk with everyone and see people I didn't expect to see.

The funeral was the following day.  Hoy had the service set up in the main room.  On each side were removable walls that opened into additional rooms with seating and screen projectors to view the slide show.  They had one of the 2 rooms opened up.  Again I was not sure what I should be doing with myself when we arrived.  I was in the front lobby of the funeral home, when people started to arrive.  They greeted and hugged me, which snowballed into a greeting line.  When it was almost time to start, I located the boys and found us seats in the front row of the family section.  On my way to my seat I noticed there were very few if any empty seats.  A few moments after being seated, they opened the wall to the second room, which was immediately filled in almost to capacity.  I couldn't believe how many people were there.  I knew Wylie had met lots of people and touched lots of lives, but to see it in person was something else.

The slide show of pictures that we had narrowed it down to, was playing as it had at the visitation as well.  The 3 speakers we chose all did amazing and it was a perfect celebration of Wylie's life.  During the service Son #1 sat next to me tightly as he knew what was going on.  Son #2 didn't want to sit and was more content to play on the floor with his blanket and stuffed animal.  He did not understand what was going on or why we were there.  I felt it was best to leave it that way as he was behaving himself and didn't want to open the door for more questions from him.

I was not aware at the time, but the funeral home recorded the entire service.  I would have never thought of that and have yet to watch it, though it's nice to have the option.  I've heard other widows talk about things they wish they did differently at the funeral.  There is only one change I would make and that is the order of the songs.  One of Wylie's friends played Nutshell for us during the service and then right after they played it over the speakers.  So my only change, would have been to move that song to the end.  Otherwise I have no regrets about anything.  What confirms that for me, is the number of people who told me this was unlike any funeral they had ever attended.  Those who didn't know him very well, felt like they knew him personally afterwords.  Wylie was an extraordinary man and my intentions were to honor him in ways that were "Wylie Style".

Afterwards I asked 4 of his closest friends, to take Wylie on one last joy ride on their way to the bar for his celebration of life.  I only asked that they keep the urn in one piece.  Which anyone who knows these 4 and Wylie's past joy riding stories, would understand this was a reasonable request.  On the way out of the funeral home and when they arrived at the bar, his friend, who spoke and played guitar, played the bagpipes for the exit and entrance.  Again something I didn't know that he was going to do, but it was perfect.  They did also get Wylie's ashes in the urn safely to the bar.

These are Wylie's close friends leaving the funeral home to take him on one last joyride.

This video is when they arrived at the bar for his Celebration of Life.

When I arrived at the bar, it was already a packed house.  My friends & sister, had framed pictures and the lyrics to our song set up on a table.  They had a hardcover book for people to write down their favorite memories of Wylie.  They also had flower bulbs to plant in honor of Wylie.  I know I'm forgetting other things they did and I'm sorry!!   It was so great to have friends who went above and beyond with their ideas.  (You ladies feel free to comment below with what I'm forgetting as I want others to know so they use these ideas if they ever need too.)  From this point, I remember drinking and talking with different people.  Exact conversations I don't recall.  At the end of the celebration, I know there were 2 or 3 close friends left with me.  As it was not yet closing time, I decided I wanted to take a trip to the next town bar, which was our other favorite spot.  So we took Wylie in his urn and went on trip for more drinks  and to close that bar down.

The next day Brent from Hoy, brought over everything from the service to my house.  When I say everything, I'm talking all the items we took, all of the flowers and plants and several bags from the funeral home that included the death certificates, thank you cards, sign in book, extra programs, dvd's of the slide show and the service etc.  I couldn't believe everything they included.  Brent made well over 10 trips to and from their van to bring everything in.  I offered to help, but he insisted he would take care of it.  My living and dining room looked like a nursery with amount of plants that were here.  I did give some away to family and a couple of friends to take care of b/c there is no way I could take care of all of them.  I did save allot of the flowers and dried them with intentions to make shadow boxes.

There is an issue with cremation that I want to discuss.  That is sharing the ashes.  There are small urns you can get that hold a small amount of ashes for you to hang onto.  The only problem with this is the people and the amount of people who will ask for some the ashes.  I have very mixed feelings about what I went through with these requests.  Yes I felt some people were "entitled" (this probably isn't the best word to use but I feel gets the point across) to having some ashes.  I would place myself, (his wife), our boys and his parents in this category.  The "family" category of people is where it gets complicated.  There were a very select few who did not ask, but I offered ashes too as I knew how much they meant to Wylie.  Not how much they meant to me, but to Wylie.  I want to make sure that point is very clear.  There are those who feel as if they were entitled, however I felt differently as they didn't act like family before and I knew Wylie's feelings on them.  There were those who were family who asked and I would have be ok with giving them some, however where do you draw the line??  I felt that his ashes were not some party favor where everyone who attended the funeral gets some.  I had to draw a hard line based on what I thought Wylie would want and I didn't waver from it as it was necessary to protect my own sanity.  That may sound bitchy to some of you reading this or those family members that didn't receive any, but please at least try to put yourself in my shoes.  Your husband has just unexpectedly died.  You are following his wishes of being cremated.  You then have people coming out of the woodwork asking if they can have some of his ashes, which at the time to me sounded like "I want Wylie."  This translated in my head as everyone wants him, but to me he was MINE.  He was MY husband.  We built OUR life together with OUR sons.  We spent more time with each other than anyone else and he knew me better than anyone & vice-versa.  Yes, Wylie was a very generous man, however after being an organ, eye & tissue donor, then being cremated, it seemed like allot of him was already "given away," and what was left I wanted to remain intact.  As an alternative to ashes, I did give them the name of the lady who made finger print jewelry for me, so they could order jewelry with his finger print on it and still have a part of him with them.

Wylie and I had talked a little bit about what our finial wishes were.  I would encourage those of you in long-term relationships to talk about it in more detail than we did.  Many funeral homes offer pre-planning services or even in your will you can outline what you want.  This may sound morbid, planning your final wishes for when you die, but it's not like it's a surprise ending.  We will all die at some point.  If you have your finial wishes pre-planned or outlined in your will, you are simply saving your loved ones from making those decisions.  They won't have to agonize over if they are making the decision you would have wanted, b/c you have it stated in black and white.

I later found a cemetery that felt right as soon as we got there.  It was outside his hometown, on a hill with an amazing view and some his family were already buried there.  When I saw what plots were available, I knew I had to have the ones under the only tree.  His mother and step father in law, bought some on one side of where the stone would go and I bought the rest of the plots in the section that were on the other side.  Keep in mind this is a country cemetery and the plots very extremely affordable (I wasn't spending a fortune) and you could have the upright headstones, unlike the larger cemeteries in the cities.  The plots that I bought would be for Wylie and myself, his father, our boys and their families.  I will mention briefly that the only stressful part of everything this far, was the lay out who would be buried where between his mom & step-father, Wylie & myself and Wylie's dad.  There was still some tension between his parents and I wanted to figure out the layout arrangement that would be acceptable with all parties.  We were able to figure one out and I'm very glad that we did, as Wylie's dad would pass a little over a year later, hopefully at peace knowing that he would be laid next to rest close to Wylie.

The additional plots that I purchased are be passed down through my generations, so we could have a "family area" of this cemetery.  You don't see that much these days and I wanted to keep family close if they wanted to be.  So now when I pass, I have a headstone, I have it in my will that I am to be cremated and laid to rest next to Wylie.  Our boys will not have to make any of these decisions as it's already decided.  Having this planned and my will completed, I hope make things easier on our boys, when my time comes.  After going through all of this, I've realized that having your finial affairs already in order and organized will make things much, much easier on those I leave behind.  Those mentioned in my will and close family members have a copy of it and I have gone through it with them to let them know what my wishes are and what should happen with the boys, on the very unlikely chance they are still minors when I pass.  I've learned through other family events that having a will and giving it to multiple people can be extremely beneficial, especially when the surviving family members do not all get along.  This would prevent arguments, any lying that there was not a will and any other drama that my come up after your passing.

These days I am all about simplicity and making my life as easy as possible.  Any ways that I have learned to make that happen, especially ones that prevent drama I will share with you, along with my hard learned life lessons.