I Lost More Than My "Husband"

I've noticed there seems to be a common saying or feeling about Widows: "Oh, she lost her husband. I feel so bad for her."   Then they will go about carrying on with their lives, not really giving it a second thought.  Or if you personally know the family,  You may have dealt with YOUR grief, but not fully understand how the Widow and their children are impacted by their loss Every. Single. Day.  If you see them "moving on" with their lives or positing sarcastic meme's about dating (ahem, that would be me), please do not assume that they are "over" their spouse.  They will never be over this loss.  EVER.

I used to be one of those people who didn't get it and ashamed to admit.....I did judge them.  That was the Old Me.  This New Me has become way more evolved and understanding to the feelings of others who have lost a loved one.  I had a close friend tell me at the visitation of her loved one, "I hate that you know what to do for us, but I am so appreciative of it."  This is not meant to come off as bragging in anyway.  I simply want to use my experience to help others, in really any way that I can by spreading the kindness and support that I was given in our time of need.

In this post, I'm want to shed some light on ALL THE WAYS my life has been impacted by loosing my husband.  Yes there are the obvious ways, but there were so many others that I was not expecting that, for lack of better words, fucked me up emotionally & mentally.  So lets jump right into all the loses I'm experiencing.  In no particular order, except as I thought of them:

I Lost the Father of My Children

Wylie and I had 2 boys who were 8 and 4 yrs old at that time.  Wylie's favorite role was being a father and he was amazing at it!  He was very hands on, always wrestling and playing with them.  The first thing he did when he came from work everyday is toss them around.  I mean he really couldn't avoid it b/c they RAN at him when they heard him come in the door.  Not to sound jealous, but I hardly ever received that kind of greeting from them and he got it every day!  He had a special bond with each of them and I was so excited to see how that developed as they got older.  

Now without him, I've lost the father:

• Who would drop everything to play & spend time with them
• Who would teach them how to play sports
• Who would show them how to be a man through his own example
• Who would be there to give them that fatherly advice, when the motherly advice just won't do
• Who would have "The Talk" with them about puberty & sex, b/c he deemed me to blunt & inappropriate to do this  
• Who would be there to teach them all things that I can't and don't know how to do
• Who would be there to watch them grow up into men and start their own families
• Who was supposed to be there WITH me to share in all these moments & look back to see how we did as parents once they were grown
• This list goes on & on.............

Wylie wrestling with our boys.  A nightly ritual.

I Lost the Breadwinner of Our Family

Wylie was main source of income for our family.  He made about 1.5 times more than I did to help put things in perspective.  He was a blue collar worker and his job had certain perks that helped us out as well, one example was his truck.   It was not a company owned truck, we had to buy it ourselves, however his company paid for fuel, maintenance & repairs on it.  (So long as Wylie completed his expense reports, which was his least favorite task).  Now as I've decided to keep the truck for sentimental & useful reasons, I have to pay for all of those expenses on my own.  That is in addition to my mini-van, so 2 vehicles I have to maintain by myself.  I have to take care of the boys & myself with only one income.  With 1.5x less income and still the normal living expenses to pay for, you don't have be a mathematician to see the numbers don't add up in my favor.   

I Lost the Protector of Our Family

Naturally men tend to be the protectors of the families and Wylie was no different.  He wasn't known for having a temper or anger and it took a lot to push him over the edge.  However if you had managed to get him to that point you had better say your prayers.   I had only witnessed him at this level three times in our 12 years together and it startled/scared me each time.  I had no doubt that he would reach a level I had never seen if his family was being threatened.  I was never concerned about our boys or my own safety when we were with him.  Now, this role falls on my shoulders alone.  As a mother, I am always prepared and will do whatever is necessary to protect my family from harm.  However, it's a heavy burden to have to carry alone.  Recently I've found out that this loss has also impacted our oldest son, as he is experiencing social anxieties in large groups of people with not having that physical security of having his dad around.  This hurts my heart to deep depths, all over again.

I Lost My Concert Partner

Wylie was my go to buddy for concerts.  Between the 2 of us we listened to a wide variety of music and both loved attending concerts.  We both also listened to the lyrics of songs to understand what the songs were about, which I believe is very rare thing these days.  Now he was much better at that than I was, but it was great to share this same love with each other.  Concerts were always a great time for both of us and an experience we loved sharing together.  Now I don't have my concert buddy who would always be down for any concert.  It especially sucks now for the rock concerts with bands like 5 Finger Death Punch or Highly Suspect because I really don't have anyone to go with me.

After an Eric Church concert.  Wylie was excited b/c they
wouldn't let him in with his pocket knife, so he hid it in a
 huge pot of flowers and it was still there after the concert!
Though I think he had to check 2 flower pots b/c he couldn't
remember which one it was.  

I Lost My Co-Parent
I lost the other half of our parenting team.  I don't have anyone to discuss personal parenting issues with, how we should handle them and the male parent perspective.  My teammate who helped get the boys to all the places they need to go for school, sports, doctors visits, etc. is gone.  I no longer have a co-parent to call me out if I'm out of line with something or being to lenient.  All of the parenting responsibilities now fall solely on me to do.  That is a HUGE adjustment to have to deal with, in addition to all 3 of us grieving and grieving differently.  I've had to figure out how to try and be parent while I'm dealing with my own grief. To figure out if the boys are acting out b/c they are grieving or just being boys.  Then learning how I can help them understand their feelings and what they can do to work through them.



I Lost My Date Night Partner
I lost my forever partner for date nights.  On nights when we didn't have the boys, I always had my husband to go out with and enjoy some adult time.  It was a time for us to reconnect as husband & wife, blow off some steam and have a good time.  I don't have my forever date anymore.  Now, on free nights when I don't have the boys, I no longer have my husband to hang out with.  Yes, I do sometimes see if my friends can hang out, but often times they are busy.  Most times now, I just want to be by myself either at home or I'll go out by myself.  It was a little strange going out by myself the first couple of times.  I am aware it sounds weird to most everyone b/c they all give me the same look when they hear it.  I actually don't mind and prefer it most times now as I only have to answer to myself.

One of my favorite photos of us.  Having a great time at
our going away party before we moved to Denver.  

My Best Friend Is Gone
I lost the one person who you go to with everything, my best friend.  The inside jokes, how my day is going and the person I talk to about everything.  We would call each other through out the day to see how each other's day was going or share something funny that happened.  I still find myself reaching for the phone to call him when I see something that reminds me of an inside joke we had.  We both knew all about each other's job, how it worked & co-workers, so when venting about our days we already knew the background story and could easily understand.  Now, I have no one I can talk to about everything.  If I want to talk to someone about my day, it's not even worth the hassle b/c I have to explain all the background info so they could even remotely understand what I'm talking about.  In addition, I have all these new "widow issues & feelings", I don't have my go-to person.  Yes, I do have certain friends I feel I can talk to about certain things, which I do truly appreciate!    BUT it's different people for certain topics, I don't have that one main go-to person anymore.

I Lost My Joint Homeowner
Our house and all responsibilities that go with home ownership were shared between the 2 of us.  Wylie did the grocery shopping b/c I hate doing it.  He also did the home improvements that I didn't know how to do or didn't want to do.  I did the finances as he liked to avoid anything that had to do with those and I did the laundry.  We shared pretty much all the other homeowner responsibilities.  Now it's all up to me, though the boys are now getting old enough to start helping out.  It's been overwhelming and stressful at times b/c it seems like there are always at least 3 things that go wrong at one time.  About half of them would be things Wylie could have fixed on his own, but since I don't have that knowledge I have hire a professional or ask friends and family for help.


I Lost Physical Intimacy and Sex
I never realized how physically intimate Wylie and I were until he was gone.  I'm not talking solely about sex. What I'm referring to are the hugs, kisses, ass smacks, playing with my hair, sitting next to each other on the couch, me humping him whenever he was bent over or trying to do something just to annoy him, any kind of physical touch at all.  There was so much we did on daily basis that when it was suddenly gone is when the real loneliness set in and torments me every day.  Naturally sex goes hand in hand with the physical touch as it's how we feel closest and loved by our significant other.  The frustration, anger, sadness of not being able to have sex with the man I loved anymore is sometimes more than I can handle at times.  Pair this with my guilt I have from our fight about having sex the day he passed and you get one fucked up widow with no filter when talking about sex.

My Drinking Buddy Is Gone
When I was pregnant with our second son, Wylie once told me he was sad b/c he missed his drinking buddy.  He said it wasn't the same without me.  I feel that to my core now.  We both liked alcohol and used it as our main vice.  After a hard day, good day, celebration or whatever, we'd have drinks at home together.  We also liked going out for drinks on our date nights.  Now I drink by myself and more often than not, judged for it.   This is my vice to keep myself sane and I'm not ready to part with it, yet or ever  Please put your judgments aside and know that I am fully aware that addiction runs on on one side of my family and I keep myself in check.  I may toe that line at times, but I'm always able to pull the reigns back in. 

I Lost the ONE Person Who Knew EVERYTHING About Me
Wylie was the ONLY person who knew everything about me.  He knew all about my childhood, my past dating history, friends, family, my likes & dislikes, what makes me angry & what buttons to push to for certain reactions.....everything.  We were together for 12 years, which was close to half our lives together.  We shared so many experiences together & started a family together.  He will be the only person who will ever truly know everything about me.  The Old Me that Wylie knew so well is gone.  She left the day he passed.  In her place is a New Me, that no one will ever fully know.  They won't know what I've experienced in my past; my feelings about things; why I am the way I am now and that Old Me that is gone.  Even if I find another man, he will never know everything about my past as there are certain things that will only ever be between Wylie and I.  This is loss I was not and still am not prepared to handle.


There are many other losses I've not mentioned.  If you think of any I've missed, then I've accomplished my goal with this post as you are thinking about what loses you would be facing.  I have my days where I'm in a good mood and able to function.  I have my bad days, which are more frequent.  Then there are days where one of these losses hits me HARD.  Triggered by something small or an incident that I can't control.  Though there is never a day that goes by that I don't think of Wylie in some way.  I will think of him everyday for the rest of my life, so please keep that in the back of your mind.  A widow/widower may appear to be "getting on" with the rest of their life, but their late spouse will never be out of their mind. EVER.