The Uncensored Widow

At some point during the night it turned into Day 3.  My memory is little fuzzy throughout this day, so some of this may be out of order, but this is what I remember happening. Day 3 Tuesday September 13, 2016 Walking back into Wylie's room after they had intubated him was a shock to say the least.  My gut told me, "This isn't right."  The bed was laid out flat, he had the tube down his throat to help him breathe, there were more wires, tubes and machines everywhere.  What startled me the most, was that they had strapped his hands to the bed rails, it looked like he was handcuffed.  The nurse explained that he was sedated & unconscious.  Possibly to try to relieve the swelling, but I can't remember.  She told me they strapped his hands down so he wouldn't pull out the breathing tube.  I was thinking, "He's unconscious how can he pull out the tube?  They must think he will wake up, so this can still be fixed.  He's going to b...

Day 2 continued from previous post. Monday September 12, 2016 As I sat in the school parking lot, I stared at my phone hesitant to answer it.  I was holding my breath with a huge pit in my stomach.  It was Wylie's boss calling.  He has called before, but normally it was for Wylie when he couldn't reach him.  This time though I knew he was with Wylie, so why was he calling me?  I answered, he was slightly panicked and told me Wylie had a seizure at work.  The paramedics were there and needed some information from me.  "Are you serious?" was the only response I could get out.  Which of course he was serious, why else would he be calling?  The paramedics came on the phone and needed his personal info.  I asked if he was awake, they said he was starting to come around and told me what hospital they were taking him to.  His boss got back on the phone and I can't really remember what he told me at that point b/c there were a million ...

After, everything happened my timeline is a big blur.  However I will never forget the 3 days before.  They are burned into my memory and I relive them whenever I think about it.  It's very interesting how your memory works, which I'm sure you will pick up on from these blogs. Day 1 Sunday September 11, 2016 Was like any normal lazy Sunday at our house.  I was watching 9-11 documentaries and working on making leather cuff bracelets.  The boys were playing, running in and out of the house.  Wylie and his Dad were installing a new toliet in our main floor bathroom.  Now this was not just your ordinary run of the mill toliet.  It was tall, so your knees wouldn't touch your chest when you sat down.  A problem both of us had being on the taller side.  The seat was the soft close seat, so I wouldn't have to get after the boys for slamming the seat & lid down on the occasions they remembered to do that.  As any mom or woman livin...

The way in which I refer time has changed completely.  It's now "Before" and "After."  The day I lost my husband is now the date that my time is measured against.  "Before" being before the day he passed and "After" being after the day he passed. For example I may say "Before, I cared about what people thought of me," and now "After, I really don't give a fuck what they think."   It's much easier to use these 2 words than to try to explain, "Well before my husband passed I used to......."   I should also tell you that my concept of time is no longer accurate.  Unless you are talking to me about events that happened today, I will more than likely not be able to tell you a specific day or time something happened.  If I say yesterday, I could be referring to the day prior to today or 3 weeks ago b/c I honestly can't remember.   It's one of the many effects of grief that I have and will discuss more...

I feel this calls for a cliché Titanic iceberg reference..... Only the top of the iceberg was visible, while the largest part remained out of view, under water and took down the once largest ship to sail the ocean.   Suffering from grief works the same way.  To those on the outside, you only see a small part of us that we allow you to see.  The amount of pain and suffering that we are going through is simply unimaginable to someone who has not experienced this grief journey we will be on the rest of our lives.  It hits you out of nowhere and sinks you in crippling different stages. Personally, being someone who rarely shares my feelings, (even with close friends), the suffering I allow people to see is very minimal.  For one, I've always kept my feelings of sadness inside.  It's so much easier to smile, say I'm ok and then move on.  I'm uncomfortable crying or having a breakdown in front of people as I don't want the attention that comes with ...