The 3 Days I'll Never Forget - Day 3

At some point during the night it turned into Day 3.  My memory is little fuzzy throughout this day, so some of this may be out of order, but this is what I remember happening.

Day 3

Tuesday September 13, 2016

Walking back into Wylie's room after they had intubated him was a shock to say the least.  My gut told me, "This isn't right."  The bed was laid out flat, he had the tube down his throat to help him breathe, there were more wires, tubes and machines everywhere.  What startled me the most, was that they had strapped his hands to the bed rails, it looked like he was handcuffed.  The nurse explained that he was sedated & unconscious.  Possibly to try to relieve the swelling, but I can't remember.  She told me they strapped his hands down so he wouldn't pull out the breathing tube.  I was thinking, "He's unconscious how can he pull out the tube?  They must think he will wake up, so this can still be fixed.  He's going to be mad when he wakes up and can't move his arms."  We were still waiting on the Head Doctor to arrive to assess what was going on.  

I'm fairly certain that I didn't leave the chair next to him, unless to use the rest room, until that morning.  I held his hand, watched what I thought was him breathing on his own, occasionally dozing off for a little bit.  Around daylight, I noticed more family and friends had arrived, so I assumed the word had spread like wildfire.  The Head Doctor had finally arrived, he had an accent and all the medical jargon he was using was hard for me to understand.  I don't remember what happened from the time he arrived, to the time he asked everyone there to come into a conference room to talk to us.  There he told us Wylie had another seizure during the night that we couldn't see and the outlook didn't look good.  He wanted to do another test where they could look into his brain and see for sure what was going on.  He talked to us for what seemed a like a while but this is all I can remember from it.  I was still holding on to hope that this wasn't happening and they could still fix him.

What happened over the next few hours, I'm not quite sure.  I remember asking my sister to tell my mom, who was watching our boys, to bring them up to the hospital.  I know I had walked somewhere b/c when I walked back to the waiting room the nurses asked me to sign some papers so they could do the test the doctor had talked about.  I told them I needed to talk to his parents first.  I know that being his wife I was the one legally allowed to make all the medical decisions, but it never felt right to me.  I had to make sure the decisions were ok with his parents, b/c after all he was their son and they had raised and loved him for the past 33 years.  Once I got the ok from them, I agreed to sign the papers.  I know that the test took what seemed like hours.  During that time in the waiting room, I got a call from one of his brothers to see how Wylie was doing.  He told me that his friend had suffered a brain aneurysm and survived.  He knew Wylie was going to pull out of this b/c he was a fighter.  So here was more reassurance that brain aneurysms were not always life threatening.  The test they were doing right now would tell them exactly what they needed to fix and this would all just be a bad dream.

More friends had arrived, it was nice to be around them but I didn't know what to say or do.  My mom (who is always late) was still not there with our boys.  I asked my sister about it, who promptly got on the phone to see where they were at.  I vividly remember, watching her face and tone change, then walking away from me to finish the conversation.  I could tell from the way her voice changed that they had not left yet, but I knew my sister would have this issue taken care of swiftly and I didn't need to worry about it.  At some point, I was sitting down in the waiting room looking out the window, it was raining and dreary out, which Son #1 and I will always associate with this day.  For some reason, I was reminded of this summer when I had a little health scare.  I was at work one morning when I suddenly felt like someone had stabbed me on the left side in my ribs and lung.  The pain was excruciating and it was hard to breathe.  I left work right away to go to the doctor.  I called Wylie, (again on I80 Eastbound around 24th St) crying b/c I was in so much pain to tell him what was going on and that I would call him after I was done.  The doctors office got me in right away, did some x-rays and then said would talk with whoever at the hospital.  They told me to take 4 ibuprofen, go home and sleep till they called.  I did as instructed, still in pain.   When they finally called me back they told me they had appointment for me at the hospital to get some kind of scan done to make sure I didn't have any blood clots.  I called, updated Wylie who was still at work and headed to the hospital.   The pain was somewhat tolerable by the time I arrived there.  The waiting room for this particular scan was very tiny.  When it was my turn they took me back into another waiting room that was much nicer, with a T.V. and no one else in it.  They performed the scan and when they were finishing up, the nurse told me my husband was there which completely surprised me.  For one, Wylie didn't tell me he was coming, nor had I asked him too b/c he was working and I figured I could handle it on my own and two I only told him what hospital I was going to, not what department or room and he found me.  The nurses let us sit in the nice waiting room by ourselves while we waited for the results.  I told him I was surprised to see him but glad he was there.  He told me that he was worried & scared b/c he'd never heard me in pain like that before.  He then said something that I will never forget and was reminded of at this point in time staring at the rain outside, "You're not supposed to be the one in hospital.  It's supposed to me.  You're the healthy one who will take care of our family."  Flash forward to our current situation, where I thought "That son of a bitch!"  I suddenly remembered all of the other things he'd told me throughout our relationship:  "I'm going to be the one who goes first", "I know I won't live to be as old as you" or his favorite "I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead."  This mother fucker knew he was going to die young, but I was refusing to believe that he was right or that it would be now!

My mom had finally arrived with our boys, which meant I was now tasked with the telling them what was going on.  I have no idea what I told them this time.  With all our friends there I was thankful there were people there to entertain them.  They had finally brought Wylie back from the test, so I went to be with him.  We had to wait another insanely long amount of time for the results.  The nurses would try to page the doctor several times b/c it was taking so long.  It seemed like they were just as anxious as us to get the results which I was thankful for as I knew they could make things happen.  When the doctor finally arrived he came into Wylie's room.  There were some friends and family right outside and he asked them to come in as well.  I stood up when he walked in as the anticipation of the results were more than I could take by this point.  He explained that when Wylie had the 2nd seizure, it actually constricted the blood vessels in brain, so there was no blood.  This I could not for the life of me comprehend.  I asked "So this is good, b/c you thought there was blood in his brain?" I was thinking you don't want blood in your brain, so this should be good news that there's wasn't blood in there like they had thought.  He continued to explain further in medical jargon which was a damn foreign language to me. Why couldn't he explain this in normal people's terms?  What the fuck was he trying to telling us?!?!  I believe it was finally my sister who stepped up behind me, put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, "No Erin, there's no blood going to his brain.  He's gone."

What did she just say to me????  I looked at those standing around the doctor and those on the other side of the room.  Tears were in their eyes and streaming down their faces.  No, no, no, no, no.  This can't be true.  This is not happening.  When it finally hit me, I felt my legs start to give out.  I remember collapsing and laying on Wylie crying hysterically, saying he couldn't leave me.  I laid there with him, not wanting to leave his side.  Hoping this was one of those miracle moments where he would open eyes and say "Just kidding!"  He was only 33 years old and completely healthy.  I know this b/c I made him get a physical the year before as I was concerned about diabetes since it runs in his family.  He told me the doctor asked when he walked in, "Let me guess, your wife made you come in," which of course was true, so they had a good chuckle about it.  A few days later when he got all the lab results back, Wylie called me excited and in a told-you-so manner said that he was as healthy as a horse.  No diabetes, normal blood pressure, everything pretty much perfect.  So how the hell did we get from that to this???  I can't tell you how long I laid there with him but it wasn't long enough.

My sister would tell me several months later that she felt compelled to take this picture.  It would be over a year before she would send it to me when I was ready to see it with the caption, "This is what true love looks like."  

The nurse at some point brought in an Organ Donor Advocate.  This must be why they asked earlier if he was registered as a donor.  She told me that he was able to be a donor and wanted to discuss that with us.  She took us: me, his Dad, mom & step-father into the next room which happened to be a meeting room.  I think she explained that he was essentially the perfect candidate to be donor and asked if we wanted to proceed with that.  Of course yes, b/c that's what he wanted.  She then had a long list of health questions and personal questions we had to answer.  Everything from his physical health, sexual history, drug use etc.  It was a little uncomfortable answering these in front of his parents, but I guess it didn't matter now.  I remember his dad being extremely upset about this process, so much so that he walked out.  After we finished answering all of those she told us the next steps, which I'll talk about in the next post.  I went to find his dad to talk to him and found him outside smoking a cigarette.  I sat down next to him, not knowing what to say.  He'd just lost his youngest son, whom he loved more than anything.  He was angry and rightfully so.  He didn't like how the organ donation process was going to work, which I understood but I couldn't go against what Wylie had wanted.  We hugged and I let him go home to grieve how he needed too.

Walking back into the hospital, I knew I now had to tell our boys.  Tears were already streaming down from talking to my father in law.  I tried to compose myself as I went to find them.  Walking into the waiting room, I was met with everyone who had been waiting and they were crying, upset.  I don't know who told them, but I was so thankful that I didn't have to utter those words.  Thank you to whoever took that burden off of me.  I got boys and we went walking to try to find a quiet place to talk.  They had previously been running around, being distracted from all the events which I was grateful for.  We found a bench in a hallway, where I tried to gather my words.  Son #1 was listening but Son #2 only partly b/c he was only 4 years old and wound up from running around.  I believe I told them that Daddy had gone to heaven, finding it impossible to say the words "he died".  He wasn't going to be with us anymore, but would always be watching over us as our angel.  Son #1, who is not one to beat around the bush, asked if he died.  To which I nodded.  I don't know if this had really sunk in with them at this point, as I would later learn that kids grieve differently than adults.  Also being the ages they were, they would grieve differently between themselves.  We walked back to the waiting room, where I just sat down and stared off into space.

His friends asked or maybe I told them they could go see him.  Wylie was a very special man and I knew he touched many, many lives.  I was completely fine with those that knew him to come visit to see him one last time.  At some point I asked the boys if they wanted to go see their dad.  They had not seen him since Sunday night, when he tucked them into bed.  I explained what they were going to see when they walked in, to try and spare them the shock that I had.  Son #1 didn't want to at first, so he waited outside the room with the grandparents.  I took Son #2 in and sat him on my lap.  He asked several questions about the machines and tubes.  When he asked when is daddy going to wake up and come home is when I broke down.  I'd later learn that kids that young do not grasp the concept of death and that it's permanent.  When he was done, I walked him out and asked Son #1 if he was ready to come in.  He was very hesitant, but I assured him I would be right there with him and it was ok.  He had much fewer questions and was uncomfortable.  I tired to comfort him and tell him it was totally normal to feel that way b/c it was difficult to see his dad like that.  He was ready to leave after a few minutes.

From this point, it's pretty blurry.  I didn't want to leave Wylie but I also knew that he wasn't there anymore. I sat in the waiting room for a while watching friends and family come & go.  At some point Son #1 came over to me and asked me if I was going to get remarried.  I was very taken aback by this question and told him that I didn't know right now.  After a while, I realized I was exhausted and had been up over 35 hrs by now.  I needed & wanted to be with our boys that night.  I couldn't fathom going home at this point, so we decided to stay at my dad's house.  I remember saying that I could drive there, but I think my dad insisted on driving which turned out to be the right decision b/c I was just floating through fog at this point.  The boys and I would sleep in one bed that night with me in the middle.  It would take me awhile to fall asleep as I just watched them most of the night wondering how did this happen and what are we supposed to do now?