The Before
The way in which I refer time has changed completely. It's now "Before" and "After." The day I lost my husband is now the date that my time is measured against. "Before" being before the day he passed and "After" being after the day he passed. For example I may say "Before, I cared about what people thought of me," and now "After, I really don't give a fuck what they think." It's much easier to use these 2 words than to try to explain, "Well before my husband passed I used to......."
I should also tell you that my concept of time is no longer accurate. Unless you are talking to me about events that happened today, I will more than likely not be able to tell you a specific day or time something happened. If I say yesterday, I could be referring to the day prior to today or 3 weeks ago b/c I honestly can't remember. It's one of the many effects of grief that I have and will discuss more in a later post.
Let me tell you about the "Before" life. My husband, Wylie and I were one month shy of our 8 year wedding anniversary and 12 years together. We had gotten married at the courthouse on our anniversary, which is Halloween, a holiday we both loved to celebrate. We met when were 21 years old and quickly discovered several things that suggested fate had brought us together. We were born 9 days apart in the same small town hospital by the same doctor. He grew up a block from where my grandpa lived. My sister and I would spend a week every summer with my grandpa, but Wylie's and my path never crossed then. We'd find out later that Wylie's dad had actually gone to AA meetings at my grandfathers house. To top it off the street Wylie lived on was the same as my maiden name, (though spelled slightly different.) To us, all of that was a wild coincidence for 2 people who just randomly met one night.
We pretty much had an instant connection and so much fun together. There are so many random hilarious moments we had together that we would later still reminisce about. One common interest was our love of music. I could listen to the lyrics and mostly get an idea of what the song was about. Wylie, on the other hand, could tell you exactly what the song was about, what inspired certain lyrics and facts about the band. He would always be finding new songs and bands that his friends and I would like. Of course with our love of music was attending concerts whenever we could. We both shared a love of cats. He in fact talked our landlord, (aka my father) into letting him get me a cat and surprised me with her for Christmas one year. We decided to name her Windsor, after his favorite whiskey and it turned out to be a very fitting name. Wylie had picked her out b/c she was beating up the other kitten at the pet store. Our friends & family refer to her as "The Cat From Hell," among other names. She truly does not like anyone who is not her immediate family, but is so sweet when it's just us at home. Wylie was her favorite human and favorite person to fuck with. It was so much fun to witness her attacks on him.
A few years later, our little family would expand. We had 2 boys, whom for privacy I will refer to as Son #1 and Son #2. We were 25 when Son #1 was born and 29 years old when Son #2 was born. Wylie enjoyed being a father more than anything. Watching him play and spend time with our boys warmed my heart and made me love him even more. He was like a big kid a heart. He'd always wrestle with them, sometimes a little too hard in my opinion, but they always came back for more. No matter how tired or what other things he had to do, he always made time for them. That was something I always admired about him. He would always make time for our family, cat included.
After 10 years our relationship was still solid. That's not to say we didn't have our arguments. We are pretty passionate people and the arguments could get pretty heated & loud but never violent. Both of us had parents who divorced when we were young and we didn't want that for our children. We had agreed very early on that we could and would work through anything, except if he was ever physically violent against me. This of course would never ever happen, it wasn't in his nature. We had the standard couple arguments about Sex, Money & how much he worked. The sex argument was him saying we didn't have enough of it and me needing more "romance" as I wasn't turned on by the push of a button. The Money argument was me telling him he'd spent too much and him not interested in paying bills with me to see where our money went. Ironically a few times, I told him you'd better hope I don't die first, b/c you will be screwed not knowing anything about our finances. (Funny how you remember things like that). The Him Working Too Much argument was me wanting more help with our boys in the mornings and picking up/shuffling them to activities after work. He was the breadwinner of our family and felt he had to be the provider, protector etc. as most men in our society do. I understood that but also wanted him to understand where I was coming from. I specifically talk about these 3 arguments as I feel most married couples can relate to this and I will later explain how they affected me after.
I should also tell you that my concept of time is no longer accurate. Unless you are talking to me about events that happened today, I will more than likely not be able to tell you a specific day or time something happened. If I say yesterday, I could be referring to the day prior to today or 3 weeks ago b/c I honestly can't remember. It's one of the many effects of grief that I have and will discuss more in a later post.
Let me tell you about the "Before" life. My husband, Wylie and I were one month shy of our 8 year wedding anniversary and 12 years together. We had gotten married at the courthouse on our anniversary, which is Halloween, a holiday we both loved to celebrate. We met when were 21 years old and quickly discovered several things that suggested fate had brought us together. We were born 9 days apart in the same small town hospital by the same doctor. He grew up a block from where my grandpa lived. My sister and I would spend a week every summer with my grandpa, but Wylie's and my path never crossed then. We'd find out later that Wylie's dad had actually gone to AA meetings at my grandfathers house. To top it off the street Wylie lived on was the same as my maiden name, (though spelled slightly different.) To us, all of that was a wild coincidence for 2 people who just randomly met one night.
We pretty much had an instant connection and so much fun together. There are so many random hilarious moments we had together that we would later still reminisce about. One common interest was our love of music. I could listen to the lyrics and mostly get an idea of what the song was about. Wylie, on the other hand, could tell you exactly what the song was about, what inspired certain lyrics and facts about the band. He would always be finding new songs and bands that his friends and I would like. Of course with our love of music was attending concerts whenever we could. We both shared a love of cats. He in fact talked our landlord, (aka my father) into letting him get me a cat and surprised me with her for Christmas one year. We decided to name her Windsor, after his favorite whiskey and it turned out to be a very fitting name. Wylie had picked her out b/c she was beating up the other kitten at the pet store. Our friends & family refer to her as "The Cat From Hell," among other names. She truly does not like anyone who is not her immediate family, but is so sweet when it's just us at home. Wylie was her favorite human and favorite person to fuck with. It was so much fun to witness her attacks on him.
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| This is us headed out to a concert in our early years together. |
A few years later, our little family would expand. We had 2 boys, whom for privacy I will refer to as Son #1 and Son #2. We were 25 when Son #1 was born and 29 years old when Son #2 was born. Wylie enjoyed being a father more than anything. Watching him play and spend time with our boys warmed my heart and made me love him even more. He was like a big kid a heart. He'd always wrestle with them, sometimes a little too hard in my opinion, but they always came back for more. No matter how tired or what other things he had to do, he always made time for them. That was something I always admired about him. He would always make time for our family, cat included.
After 10 years our relationship was still solid. That's not to say we didn't have our arguments. We are pretty passionate people and the arguments could get pretty heated & loud but never violent. Both of us had parents who divorced when we were young and we didn't want that for our children. We had agreed very early on that we could and would work through anything, except if he was ever physically violent against me. This of course would never ever happen, it wasn't in his nature. We had the standard couple arguments about Sex, Money & how much he worked. The sex argument was him saying we didn't have enough of it and me needing more "romance" as I wasn't turned on by the push of a button. The Money argument was me telling him he'd spent too much and him not interested in paying bills with me to see where our money went. Ironically a few times, I told him you'd better hope I don't die first, b/c you will be screwed not knowing anything about our finances. (Funny how you remember things like that). The Him Working Too Much argument was me wanting more help with our boys in the mornings and picking up/shuffling them to activities after work. He was the breadwinner of our family and felt he had to be the provider, protector etc. as most men in our society do. I understood that but also wanted him to understand where I was coming from. I specifically talk about these 3 arguments as I feel most married couples can relate to this and I will later explain how they affected me after.
The last 2 years, I felt we were getting to point in our relationship, where we were communicating better. I was finally able to admit when I was wrong and apologize first. He was starting to "hear" what I was saying with our certain arguments and make an effort to do things differently, as was I. It was like we starting to become a well oiled machine and so many great things were in the works for us and our family.
Little did I know that my whole world was about to change.
Little did I know that my whole world was about to change.
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