I'M FUCKING ANGRY!!!

My plan for this blog was to go in chronological order so it would be easier to follow.  But I as I should know by now, life is not going to go as I plan it.   I've been struggling to write the next post about Organ Donation for the last 4 weeks mainly due to the current grieving "stage" I'm in.  Right after I lost Wylie I was told repeatedly about the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  I couldn't understand and still don't really, why everyone thought this was necessary for me to know.  Maybe to know my feelings are normal?  Or to give me a heads up as to what may be ahead for me? 

Here is a pretty chart that shows the stages along with feelings.

However this chart is a more accurate representation of the stages.

Grief is a roller coaster of emotions and no one grieves in the same way.  I've recently learned that my grieving was most likely delayed for more than a year b/c I was in denial and suppressing my feelings.  I've gone through all of the stages in no particular order and now have moved on to repeating stages.  Grief isn't something where you go through one stage and check it off like you're done with it.  No, it will circle back around randomly and without warning.  This is important for friends and family to understand: 1) so you don't take it personally, and 2) understand this is a stage of grief that we have to go through and work through on our own.

In the last week I've heard the phrase "Write what you know," at least 3 times, so I took that as a sign that's what I should write about for this post.  What I know is that I'm angry.  I am irritable. I don't want to be around people.  I am irrational.  I really don't care about anything right now.  I am in the Anger Stage of Grief, again.

I am angry that I have to care of the household by myself.  I am angry b/c I have to do all the grocery shopping now b/c I hate shopping for groceries.  I don't even like going online to order them for pickup b/c I never know what to buy.  I am angry that I have to pay the bills by myself, so I've not paid them on time the last 2 months b/c I don't care.  I am angry at a certain family member of mine b/c they should be able to understand where I'm coming from but they can't.

I am angry that I am alone and don't have my husband.  I'm angry b/c other wives have their husbands and get to grow old with them.  They get their happy ending, but I don't.  I am angry that I have to sleep alone every night, when I would give anything to be next to Wylie listening to his snoring.  I hate that when I see happy married couples that I feel bitter and jealous b/c they still have each other.

I'm angry our boys have to grow up without their father.  I am angry that Son #2 only got 4 years with his dad and will most likely not remember much of him when he gets older.  I'm angry that I have to handle issues with Son #1 that his father should be handling b/c he would have known exactly what to do and say.  I hate that when our boys see or hear about their friends getting to play or do things with their fathers, it reminds them their dad isn't here anymore.  I am angry that I am not able to take away their pain and they have to experience this loss at such young ages.

I am angry b/c I'm not being the mother to our boys that I should be right now.  I hate that in addition to loosing their father they are left with a grieving mother who is struggling.   Struggling to try to be strong for them, to take care of them, to be there for them emotionally.  I'm angry that I am on the loosing end of these struggles.

I am angry at men (mainly single ones) b/c they are lying chameleons.  They will tell you they are honest, but when it comes down to it they don't have the balls too and take the coward's way out.  I hate that I have to deal with this fucked up new dating world.  I'm angry that I even have to think about being with another man!  

There are lyrics to "FMLYHM" by Seether that perfectly describe how I feel about this:

"You could've been the real one

 You could've been the last one I lie with

 You could've been the only one

 I should've been the one who died"

I am angry that Wylie was taken from me at only 33 years old.  I hate that I am left alone to grieve.  I'm angry he is not here to see our boys grown up and to be there for them.  I am angry I don't have my best friend, drinking buddy, husband and soulmate anymore.  I hate how I want to call Wylie when something funny happens that I know he would laugh at.  I am angry that he is not here for special moments that he should be here for.  Queue "You Should be Here" by Cole Swindell.   I'm so angry that I would do anything to have him back or trade places with him, so I don't have to feel the pain of missing him.  I am so angry about this that I cry, which makes me even angrier.

I am aware that some of these may sound irrational to a non-widow, none the less this is how I feel.  Some of you may be wondering, "Ok Erin, why don't you just stop being so angry?"  To which I would reply, "Well Susan, that is not how grief works.  It's not a light switch I can turn off and on at will."  To the Susan's out there, grief is not something that you will understand until you have gone through it yourself.  I can't explain it, I can only share my feelings going through it in hopes to give you "some idea" of what it is like.

I will work through this stage on my own b/c I have to as it most likely circle back and hit me again.  I just need to be left alone while I do it.  This is one of the reasons why I isolate myself and also b/c people irritate the fuck out of me right now.  I will reach out to certain people when needed.  But having people overloading me with questions or talking about their happy lives is not something I need or want to hear while working through this.  Yes I know that is a selfish thing to say.  Yes I know I am being a horrible friend during this time.  But what I want people to understand, is that I HAVE to do what is best for me right now.  I have to work on myself and process the grief that I have pushed away from dealing with for so long.  I need to make myself into a functioning , somewhat sane, adult again so I'm able to take care of my boys in the way they deserve and need from me.

Now I don't want those who know me personally to be walking on egg shells afraid they will awaken The Hulk.   Just be aware.  I'm pretty good about giving cues on how I'm feeling at that time.  If I bring up talking about certain subjects mentioned above, then that is probably a cue I'm ok with discussing certain aspects of it with you.  That is what I feel is important for others to know, when talking to someone who is grieving: Please be aware and mindful of what you talk about and say.  Read and look for cues, they will give them through body language and eye contact without even realizing it.  Or they may even tell you straight to your face how they feel.  Don't take it as a personal attack against you.  They need time to process everything and will reach out to you when they are ready.

I hoping that by sharing my anger, that I will be able to let some of it go, as this blog is turning out to be very therapeutic for me.  As I mentioned in a previous post, Wylie and I shared a love of music.  I've found solace in certain songs and have play lists that I rotate through based on my moods.  When I share certain ones, like the 2 in the post, it's b/c I can completely relate to the lyrics as they perfectly describe how I'm feeling on specific things.  You can definitely look forward to seeing more songs in future posts.