The Uncensored Widow

This is when my concept of time completely vanished.  I know these events took place, but I don't know exactly when, if some were the same day or if there were several days in between them.  I was not a functioning person at this time. Waking up the day after the funeral was a surreal experience.  I was trying to wrap my head around everything that happened over the past week.  It took me a while to realize that it wasn't just a bad dream.  I remember sitting there thinking, "Now what?" I was in a very weird fog, that many have dubbed "The Widow Fog".  I couldn't fully comprehend that Wylie was really gone.  It actually felt like he was out of town for work and would be coming back soon.  This is a feeling would last several weeks.  Up until this point, I had been "distracted" with things that needed to be done for funeral.  Everyday I had something that needed to be done.  Now that it was over, I was sitting here with nothing ...

Planning the funeral of your spouse, or any loved one, is not something you can ever truly be prepared for. When my step-father in law asked me where we should have the funeral, is when it hit me I was going to have allot  of decisions to make.  I told him I wanted Hoy-Kilnoski Funeral Home  , as I had heard very positive things about them and knew it could accommodate a large amount of people.  I was so thankful when he said he would call and take care of setting up the meeting, because I was in no shape to do that.  I'm specifically mentioning the funeral home by name because they took amazing care of us, provided outstanding service and went above and beyond anything I could have imagined. My mother & step-father in laws attended the first meeting and would help me with the planning.  My father in law was not able, emotionally, to attend the planning but I would still run the plans by him and ask for his input.  We met with Mike Hoy, who gen...

My plan for this blog was to go in chronological order so it would be easier to follow.  But I as I should know by now, life is not going to go as I plan it.   I've been struggling to write the next post about Organ Donation for the last 4 weeks mainly due to the current grieving "stage" I'm in.  Right after I lost Wylie I was told repeatedly about the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  I couldn't understand and still don't really, why everyone thought this was necessary for me to know.  Maybe to know my feelings are normal?  Or to give me a heads up as to what may be ahead for me?  Here is a pretty chart that shows the stages along with feelings. However this chart is a more accurate representation of the stages. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions and no one grieves in the same way.  I've recently learned that my grieving was most likely delayed for more than a year b/c I was in ...

At some point during the night it turned into Day 3.  My memory is little fuzzy throughout this day, so some of this may be out of order, but this is what I remember happening. Day 3 Tuesday September 13, 2016 Walking back into Wylie's room after they had intubated him was a shock to say the least.  My gut told me, "This isn't right."  The bed was laid out flat, he had the tube down his throat to help him breathe, there were more wires, tubes and machines everywhere.  What startled me the most, was that they had strapped his hands to the bed rails, it looked like he was handcuffed.  The nurse explained that he was sedated & unconscious.  Possibly to try to relieve the swelling, but I can't remember.  She told me they strapped his hands down so he wouldn't pull out the breathing tube.  I was thinking, "He's unconscious how can he pull out the tube?  They must think he will wake up, so this can still be fixed.  He's going to b...

Day 2 continued from previous post. Monday September 12, 2016 As I sat in the school parking lot, I stared at my phone hesitant to answer it.  I was holding my breath with a huge pit in my stomach.  It was Wylie's boss calling.  He has called before, but normally it was for Wylie when he couldn't reach him.  This time though I knew he was with Wylie, so why was he calling me?  I answered, he was slightly panicked and told me Wylie had a seizure at work.  The paramedics were there and needed some information from me.  "Are you serious?" was the only response I could get out.  Which of course he was serious, why else would he be calling?  The paramedics came on the phone and needed his personal info.  I asked if he was awake, they said he was starting to come around and told me what hospital they were taking him to.  His boss got back on the phone and I can't really remember what he told me at that point b/c there were a million ...

After, everything happened my timeline is a big blur.  However I will never forget the 3 days before.  They are burned into my memory and I relive them whenever I think about it.  It's very interesting how your memory works, which I'm sure you will pick up on from these blogs. Day 1 Sunday September 11, 2016 Was like any normal lazy Sunday at our house.  I was watching 9-11 documentaries and working on making leather cuff bracelets.  The boys were playing, running in and out of the house.  Wylie and his Dad were installing a new toliet in our main floor bathroom.  Now this was not just your ordinary run of the mill toliet.  It was tall, so your knees wouldn't touch your chest when you sat down.  A problem both of us had being on the taller side.  The seat was the soft close seat, so I wouldn't have to get after the boys for slamming the seat & lid down on the occasions they remembered to do that.  As any mom or woman livin...

The way in which I refer time has changed completely.  It's now "Before" and "After."  The day I lost my husband is now the date that my time is measured against.  "Before" being before the day he passed and "After" being after the day he passed. For example I may say "Before, I cared about what people thought of me," and now "After, I really don't give a fuck what they think."   It's much easier to use these 2 words than to try to explain, "Well before my husband passed I used to......."   I should also tell you that my concept of time is no longer accurate.  Unless you are talking to me about events that happened today, I will more than likely not be able to tell you a specific day or time something happened.  If I say yesterday, I could be referring to the day prior to today or 3 weeks ago b/c I honestly can't remember.   It's one of the many effects of grief that I have and will discuss more...